


Waiting for the Rain

by auselysium



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst, M/M, holby rooftop of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-04 03:26:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12160566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auselysium/pseuds/auselysium
Summary: It’s been over 24 hours since he and Lofty slept together and they haven’t talked once.Until now.





	Waiting for the Rain

_I should have called him. Or replied to that text...I should have at least left a bloody note._

Because this was about to get awkward.

Dominic hustles in the front door of Holby City Hospital, a speed to his steps that has nothing to do with the double espresso in his hands and everything to do with his jangled nerves. As he smashes the button for the 6th floor, a litany of reprimands spins through his mind about missed chances to pick up the phone, hit the speed dial for Lofty’s number and try to talk this through before they were face to face again at work.

But it’s too late for that now.

Keller is relatively quiet as he exits the lift. He tries to avoid eye contact with anyone even as he scans the floor, looking for that soft mop of curls and those dark blue scrubs.

The coast remains clear until he opens the door to the locker room.

The memories of what had happened over the weekend are so fresh Dom can still feel the flush of the moment: the inescapable honesty in those dark blue eyes, the way Lofty’s body had melted towards him like he had no choice no to. He can still taste the kisses, the smell of Lofty’s cologne on his own skin for hours after. The frenetic, wordless way their bodies had united with unexpected passion, ignited after months of waiting, of wanting, and of hoping.

Dom had woken up next to him, stunned but happy. Truly, truly happy.

But then he’d looked at his phone and seen all the missed calls. Sascha and Ollie, even Fletch. He’d known something was seriously wrong. He’d left, leaving Lofty to his sleep and his posh room for the night.

He knew in that moment just how it would look when Lofty woke up and found himself alone: like Dom was pulling a runner. But knowing Lofty, he’d completely understand Dom’s need to be there for Zosia. And now between tending to Mr. Self’s follow-up, comforting Zosia and avoiding calls from Freddie, it’s been over 24 hours since he and Lofty slept together and they haven’t talked once.

Until now.

Lofty turns at the sound of the locker room door opening and for a moment they stare openly. Dom is keenly aware of the way his heart is racing.

“Hi,” he says stepping further into the room.

“Morning,” Lofty says curtly before turning his back on Dom. He reaches into his locker, continuing what he’d been doing when Dom had entered, which is emptying its contents and dumping them into a bag. Only then does Dom realize he’s not wearing his usual scrubs but the pale blue of AAU.

“Umm...What’s going on here?’

“I’m cleaning out my locker.”

“Why?” Dom says, trying to keep his voice even.

“I’ve requested a transfer to AAU.”

“What?” Dom snaps. “Whe..Why?” The questions blur together.

“This morning,” Lofty says as he closes the small metal door behind him and turns. “And you know why.”

They stand in silence for a moment as Dominic tries to absorb this drastic turn of events. He thought maybe a chat at Alby’s would smooth things over. Maybe, if he were really lucky, they might even be able to kiss and makeup. But he hadn’t imagined that Lofty would simply run away.

“My shift starts in ten minutes so…” Lofty says as the silence stretches on. He tries to move past Dom towards the door but Dom steps in the way, his palm on Lofty’s stomach. The touch brings to mind similar, more intimate caresses.

“You’re leaving Keller because of us? Because we...because we slept together?” He adds in a close whispers. Even so, they both check to ensure the door is in fact closed behind them.

“Not _just_ because of that but in part, yes.”

“I can't believe this,” Dom says. He hasn’t even put his coffee down yet and he gestures widely with it now. “So, I try to kiss you and tell you I fancy you and I just have to move on and be professional. But then we share something, something real and meaningful, and you scamper off to AAU to avoid the trouble?”

“We did a fair more than kiss on Saturday.”

The way the words are delivered with such clinical intention, dry and emotionless, and so antithetical to the intimate subject matter, it crawls under Dom’s skin and gets his hackles up.

“So that's it, then?” Dom sneers, the nastiest, most Steroid fueled part of him emerging. “The maybe-he-is-maybe-he-isn’t gay boy gets freaked out because he fucked a guy and is so weirded out by the fact that he bloody loved it that he can’t stand to work with him any more, is that it?”

Dom has always found Lofty hard to read. He keeps so much of himself close to his chest so he can be there for others, but now he can tell exactly what Lofty is feeling: shocked, appalled, disappointed, let down, hurt.

“Why...why would you say that?” Lofty asks, completely disgusted. “How could you even think that? Sometimes, I really don’t understand you at all.”

“Ben,” Dom says, just as Lofty reaches the door handle, the use of his real name an idication of his sincerity. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“You know, maybe you should have started with that instead of having a go at me about me leaving,” Lofty’s voice is raised in a very not like him way. “After all, you were the one who left first…”

The statement is left hanging. Lofty takes another deep breath as if he wants to say more, but instead huffs a frustrated breath through his nose and leaves, the door slamming heavily behind him.

*

A row of thick, grey clouds have moved in over the course of the day. From the rooftop of Holby, Dom can see the far off rain falling on a different part of the city.

The day had passed in a blur of patients and Zosia. Sympathetic looks from Sascha and regret as dark and dismal as the weather moving in. He’d come up here for solitude and in hopes of mending the broken.

He looks at his phone. Hitting the flat side of it against his palm when he sees there is still no reply.

Maybe it’s too late, he thinks. Maybe things had gone too far, too fast on Saturday with Lofty. Maybe he’d mistaken the meaning in those quiet post-coital moments, where they’d held each other with soft gazes and even softer touches. Fingers brushing against lips and through hair with tender exploration. Or maybe, in his hasty exit for be with Zosia he’d wiped any meaning those touches may have held.

This is what he does, isn’t it? Messes things up. Lets people down. Pushes them away. But he’s never been more disgusted by that inherent flaw than he is now because Lofty doesn’t deserve half of what Dom’s thrown at him. And Dom doesn’t deserve him.

Doesn’t stop him from wanting him, though.

The sound of rooftop gravel underfoot crunches in Dom's ears.

“I got your text,” Lofty says from behind him. He’s dressed in street clothes now, familiar dark jeans and a light coat. “The rooftop,” he says, “Bit dramatic, don’t you think?”

“You know me,” Dom muses. “Always a flair for the theatrical.”

They share a soft smile. Lofty comes to stand by the ledge next to Dom. He rests his arms on the barrier and looks out at the veiled horizon.

“How was day one on AAU?”

“Yeah, good. Morven’s great and Donna’s a laugh. I get to see my mates from the ED a bit more, which is nice. I think I’ll like it.” Whether he’s putting a positive spin on it for Dom’s sake, he can’t quite tell. “But I have a feeling that isn’t why you asked if we could talk.”

Dom shakes his head. The chill of the humid sky reaches him and he shivers. Or maybe he’s just nervous as hell.

“Look, before we get into any of this can we both just agree to work under the assumption that I am complete and total incompetent human being and friend? And that what I said this morning was completely and utterly unforgivable?”

“It was definitely mean. And off the mark. But unforgivable?” He shrugs. “I don’t know, you’re not Voldemort.”

That makes them both chuckle, clearing away the remaining tension. Dom feels himself relax even as Lofty becomes pensive, his fingers tapping against the lip of the ledge.

“What happened between us on Saturday was...unexpected.”

“Yeah.”

“And incredible and intense, in the very best ways. I haven’t felt that close to someone in…”

“Forever,” Dom finishes softly and Lofty nods. He’s so relieved to know they are on the same page after all. “Then why the freak out?” He asks.

“I’m not freaking out.”

“You requested a transfer to a different ward the day after it happened! That looks like a freak out to me.” Dom says with a bewildered laugh.

“You were gone when I woke up. That looks like a freak out to me!”

“Fair enough,” Dom says, toning down the volume of his voice. Lofty breathes in deeply, calming himself too.

They turn back to the skyline, shoulders touching. The sky is darker now, a combination of twilight and the ever approaching clouds.

“Do you know what it’s like to ruin someone’s life?” Lofty asks like this is a genuine question and not rhetorical. His voice returned to his soothing baritone but there is an edge to it too, an emotional quiver Dom hasn’t heard before. “Do you know how it feels to shame them in front of their friends and family? And not just anyone, but someone you loved, someone you’d promised to love forever...Do know what kind of guilt that leaves you with? How scarred you conscience becomes? How little you trust yourself with something good and all just because you fell in love with someone else?”

Of course, Dom doesn’t. But he does know what it’s like to have his life ripped apart at the seams, his confidence and pride picked apart until there was hardly anything left but desperation and delusion, expertly manipulated by someone who only ever claimed to love him. His experience with Isaac is the opposite side of a wicked coin.

“Can’t say that I do,” He answers finally. He looks at Lofty in profile and sees grim lines, his face the very image of remembered pain.

“I know I haven’t talked to you much about what happened between me and Alice and Lenny...”

“Or at all.” Lofty takes that aside with another pained look and continues.

“I loved them, deeply but differently. And in the end, I hurt them both. I can’t imagine anything worse...”

Dom rests his hand gently on Lofty’s forearm testing how he’ll react to the touch. When Lofty doesn’t pull away, his breath catching in his chest, Dom slides his hand down the length of his arm and laces his fingers between Lofty’s. His fingers curl back, holding on strong to Dom’s hand and for a moment Dom is sure that everything is going to be fine. They just need to talk things out...take things slow...they’re both a little messed up, so what?

“I can’t be with you, Dom,” Lofty says and it’s the saddest sentence in the whole world. “I’m terrified of falling in love with someone again and I know that’s what will happen if we get together.”

Dom had dropped the “L” word weeks back, but to hear Lofty say it, to hear him suggest that is what would happen with them...Well, this should be the happiest of moments. But instead it feels like misery.

Dom feels himself pulling away from Lofty, shrinking back in on himself to protect against the hurt. But Lofty’s body follows, closing in at Dom’s side, filling in those insecurities with his solid warmth. He can feel Lofty’s eyes on him, tender and insistent.

“We’d make love again and again,” Lofty breathes into the small space between them. “Fall asleep next to each other. Then I’d wake up the next morning and bring you coffee in bed. We’d go on want long walks in the park with our dog and celebrate birthdays and horrible holidays with family we can’t stand but it wouldn’t matter because we’d have each other.”

A surge of wind blows across Dom’s face and he realizes he’s started crying.

“Dom, I look at you and I want everything. And I think that’s nothing less than what we deserve, you and me. ” Lofty steps away, leaving an aching coldness where he had once been. It looks like the movement physically hurts him. “But I’m not ready to give you that, yet. And deep down, you know you aren’t ready for it either.”

He wishes there was some way to convince Lofty to just take the risk. You can wait your whole life for someone to want to be with you the way Lofty is suggesting is inevitable for them. But Lofty is also right in knowing, in his heart of hearts, Dom needs more time. The half dose of prednisone following a nightmare induced panic attack where Isaac had been trying to break into his flat is proof enough of that.

 _Of course Lofty is right,_ Dom thinks. _He knows me better than myself. That’s why I love him._

“This is so unfair,” Dom finds himself thinking and then saying. 

Lofty steps in and places a kiss on Dom’s temple, tender and trembling. And final.

“I’m sorry,” Lofty whispers. Dom inhales and exhales a shuddering breath. Wipes away his tears.

The gravel crunches once more from behind him.

“How long?” He asks. He can’t bare to turn around until he hears Lofty’s feet come to a standstill.

Lofty shakes his head, ruefully, his bag slung over one shoulder. “I don’t know.”

Dom turns back to the clouds, turns his face to the sky and waits for the rain to fall.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to make this have a happy ending. I really did. But I'd promised myself angst. What else happens on the Holby roof??
> 
> I really don't know how things will play out on Tuesday. Part of me feels like they're just going to get together but part of me feels like they drag it out a little more. Who knows!
> 
> Follow on twitter and tumblr for more DOFTY! <3 <3


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